dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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