im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
