I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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