You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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