No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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