Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Randomize
