my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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