They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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