Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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