can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
