Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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