i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
