Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She's the barista slut.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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