I'm gonna have a badass scar
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
