Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
