Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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