Heybabeimwearingurpanties
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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