It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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