how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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