Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
