haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
