farters have to be the big spoon...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
