We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
