There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Found your dick twin last night
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
