be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
