I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
