I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
