They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just had sex bonerless
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
