the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
