What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
