its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
