my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
where does the pee come out of this thing
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
