Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I would fuck him just for his dog
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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