I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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