you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
