We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my being single is dangerous.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
That accounts for only three of the penises
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
