i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
