His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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