the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
