im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
