My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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