I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
