We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
