first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
