Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
