my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
