Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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