I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
