I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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