I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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