last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
