I need to stop coming to work sober
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
